“(All The Single Ladies) x (6) + put your hands up”

Now that song is in your head, can a Single Lady just get a half a loaf of bread??  For the love of everything that gets moldy and ruint, I just want a half a load of bread.¹  Eggs get special treatment, you just half those babies right on up and cut the carton in the middle (literally).  Come on, do it for the bread – don’t discriminate!  There’s just no way that Jennifer Hudson is gonna let me eat that much bread before it goes bad.

Also, can a Single Lady just get a couple of biscuits…maybe one cinnamon roll?  Because let’s be honest, if I pop open a tube of flaky style biscuits or orange cinnamon rolls, they ain’t goin’ bad like the loaf of bread….those babies get added to the collection of junk you will find in my trunk.²  Once upon a time, Pillsbury made some Perfect Portion biscuits.  Two per pack, in the refrigerated section.  Reduced fat, even.  Discontinued. Rude.

¹ I’m certainly not trying to exclude all the single men, I know guys feel the pain also.  Probably not in said loaf of bread, though…because those people can take down the entire loaf with a jar of peanut butter and a Sam’s size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos in one sitting and not gain an ounce.  And that’s just rude.

² You might also find remnants of Butterzinger ice cream, Cool Ranch Doritos, pizza and vanilla milkshakes.  You know, you can eat that stuff and have an empty bowl, plate or bag in front of you.  But, it is so not gone.  Just look in your trunk….you’ll see it.  And did you know that it takes a lot longer to rid your trunk of all that good stuff than it took to put it there?  Crazy, huh?  Who knew?!?  Probably Richard Simmons.

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Weekend Observations

#1.  I miss the Hallmark Channel.  Today would have been the ultimate Hallmark Channel Movie marathon day….what with the Harry Potter gloom outside and all.  (Big sigh)….I made the switch from Comcast to AT&T last month.  My one and only negative thing to say about AT&T is that they don’t have the Hallmark Channel.  Other than that, it’s changed my life.  You know, because I have DVR now.  No more planning my week around a tv show (yes, yes I did do that with LOST).  No running for a potty break at commercial.  For that matter, no more commercials if I plan it that way.  It’s definitely changed my life.  And, while I realize Comcast has DVR, I was ready for a change.  It was the right thing to do.

#2.  There’s a possibility that I might be jealous of my dog.  We went for a walk across the Two Rivers Bridge yesterday and everyone we passed told Sophie what a sweet or pretty girl she was.  I mean, I guess it’d be weird for a stranger to tell me  I  was sweet or pretty…..now that I think about it.  I’m sure they were all thinking, “Look at those two.  Both sweet and pretty.”  They just couldn’t tell me that without looking like a stalker.  Yeah, that’s totally it.

#3.  I was driving behind a Soccer Mom with this license plate:  GR8WYF.  I can’t quit wondering if she bought that for herself or if her husband bought it for her.

#4.  I have some sort of complex about books.  I really wanted to buy the last Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book yesterday, but I have some  aesthetic issues with it.  First, I have the first two in paperback.  If I get this last one in hardback, they’re not going to match.  Point in case:  When the 4th Twilight book came out, I wouldn’t buy it until the paperback came out because I had the first three in paperback and wanted all the books to look the same…..on a shelf in a room where no one ever goes. Psycho.  Second, the pages don’t line up on the outside edge.  I can’t buy it.  Those pages have got to be smooth and line up on the outside or I’ll never get over it and enjoy the book.  In fact, I bought The Count of Monte Cristo a few years ago and didn’t realize it had jacked pages until I got home.  I want to read it so badly but I can’t.  Because I have some sort of book binding disorder.

Someone Like You?

Adele.  First of all, you are awesome.  There’s absolutely no denying this.  Second of all, Question.  Where on earth did you find this man, sister?  You want to find someone just like him???  JUST. LIKE. HIM??  Daaaaang, girl! You’re gonna need to start sending those hand me downs over here to the New World.  We want em’¹, mkay?    Because over here, for the most part, we don’t really like our exes² all that much.  Of course there’s the occasional couple who ends up on good terms and remains friends.  I’ve heard of it happening!  For real!!  Uhh ohhh-wait, or is it that I’ve seen it on tv……hmmm…  Anyway, I swear, you Brits get all the good stuff….awesome exes, cool accents, cute little taxis, Cadberry chocolate bar vending machines (yum), William and Kate, SIR SEAN CONNERY (yeah yeah, he’s a Scot.  Potato, Patato)…. to name a few.  We so got robbed.³

I mean, I’m not wishing bad upon old boyfriends, but I’m certainly not trying to hold my breath over the old Memphis bridge just to get a wish and then cash it in on them winning the lottery.  Because THAT would just be silly.

So, should I be wishing that my next boyfriend is good enough that I want to find another one just like him the next go round?  I’m soooo confused!!!!

Maybe Adele was just being facetious.

~~

¹ Except that one from “Rollin’ in the Deep” – you can keep that dude over there in the mother land.

² “ex” – For the purpose of this post, I am defining an ex to be limited to someone from a committed, serious relationship…as a grown up. High school exes just don’t count.  And college ones might not count either….use your own discretion if you would like to include them here.  Totally your call.  But hey, you know what, if you still want to punch a high school ex in the face, go ahead and count them.  If it’ll make you feel better.  However, I will draw the line at junior high.  Sorry, you just can’t count those.

³ I’m only kidding, people.  I’m just like Lee Greenwood, okay – Proud to be an American.  Besides, if I was going to really going to talk about people with a cool accent, it’d be those Irish.

The Generic Story

There are just some things that no one should ever buy generic, but there are some things that are actually better because they’re generic.  Let’s discuss.

No-Nos:
1.  Tampons.  I don’t think this needs any further discussion.
2.  Q-tips.  It has got to be Q-tip brand.  As you well know if you’ve tried generic, the middle stick part is flimsy.  The feeling that half a Q-tip might break off in your ear is a little unsettling.  With brand name on this one, you know you’re getting a sturdy stick with no worries.
3.  Bleach for your mustache.  Gotta be Sally Hanson.  Side note:  for prom one year, I wanted to bleach my upper lip.  So, I got some face bleach (not Sally H) and applied properly.  Didn’t wait the right amount of time, so I wasn’t satisfied with the result.  5 minutes later, I reapplied.  Still wasn’t happy.  Went to the store and got some wax strips.  Really wasn’t happy after that because I had given myself a damn chemical burn.  3 hours before prom.  I had so much concealer on that night that I couldn’t smile or my burnt up upper lip would crack.  So, listen to me, people….Sally is the way to go.  Unless you’re blessed with no stache hair….in which case, I hate you.

Better than the Real Deal:

1.  Kroger brand Honey Roasted Peanut Butter.  Better than Peter Pan and Jiff.  Trust the girl who can take down a jar of PB in two days (okay, whatever, one).  I know my buduh.
2.  Big K.  Mt. Dew ain’t got nothin’ on some Green Lightning!  I think they’ve changed the name to Citrus Drop, but to me, it’ll always be Green Lightning.  A little Big K Red Cream Soda?  Yes, please.  I think there’s at least one more cup of sugar per can in the Big K drinks.  And, I’m okay with that.
3.  Kroger brand Butterfinger ice cream.  Broke my heart when they changed the name from Butter Zinger to Butterfinger, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the recipe and deliciousness was the same.  So much better than name brand.¹

¹I think I must be hungry as I write this.  I see that every single one of my Better than the Real Deals is some sort of food item.  And, that I love a Kroger.  Unfortunately, my self proclaimed serving sizes of the PB and ice cream aren’t necessarily viewed as “healthy choices” by Weight Watchers, so I haven’t had them as of late.  And, by of late, I mean a week.  I’ve been on the WW since last Thursday and while it’s killing me, it seems to be working.  Talk about some will power – I have an unopened jar of said Kroger PB in my pantry.  UNOPENED, I say!  Man, I’m hungry….

The Basic Story

I think I’m so clever, doing a play on words with my name and this blog title.  Unfortunately, if a random ever reads this, they’re just going to think I caint spale fer nuthin.

I plan to use this blog for absolutely nothing important.  The deal is, sometimes I just have more to say than what will fit on my Facebook status. So, why not start a blog?  Even if no one reads the dang thing, at least I’ve said my piece and can sleep at night knowing I did my part to clog up the internets with one more blog.

About me and this blog:

I am a magnet for men of stellar quality – those that are honest, trustworthy, sweet, thoughtful and kind.  I also use sarcasm a lot.  (Note to self – create a sarcasm font).  I will be happy to share with you the dating stories that friends say can only happen to me.  But, if Mr. Right comes along, I probably won’t write about him.  Jinxing and whatnot, you understand.  Watch, my luck, I’ll be ready and excited to go on another horrible date just so I can post about it and the guy will turn out to actually be decent.  I suppose that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world….

I love movies and books.  I really love when movies are books first.  I might post about movies, and/or the actors in them.  I like when I’m watching an older movie or show and see the random extra who has become someone famous.  For instance, you know the girl at the grocery checkout in You’ve Got Mail that gets mad at Meg Ryan for having a credit card?  That’s totally Callie on Grey’s (not that I watch that show anymore).  Along the same lines, I like when I’m watching something current and see someone that used to be on some “quality” tv in the 80s.  For instance, you might remember that Fergie and AC Slater were on Disney Channel’s Kids Incorporated once upon a time and Ryan Reynolds was on a Nickelodeon soap opera named Fifteen.

Besides letting you in on the tragedies that some people would classify as dates and useless movie trivia, I also may post some videos I think are noteworthy.  For instance, I was just thinking about a Kentucky Headhunters music video in which a friend had a starring role as an extra.  If I can find that video, I’m totally posting it.  I have a feeling there’s some really good hair going on.

And, what’s a blog without recipes?  I’ve only got a handful of things I make well, but maybe I’ll get real savvy on this thing and post pictures along with the recipes.  Maybe.

I’ll try not to talk about my dog too much, because that would just be sad.  But, who am I kidding, I probably will.  I have GOT to get myself a baby….nobody thinks you’re crazy if you post about your kid, but if you post about your dogchild a lot, people start to wonder.

So, there you have it.  The first post.  And after rereading this, looks like I’ve got lots of ideas.  Any takers on betting how many posts I actually end up making??  And, let’s face it, this is probably one of the most boring blogs you’ve ever read.  But, I got a new computer for Christmas and for the first time ever, I have a laptop and wireless internet (I know, welcome to 2005).  I almost feel like with all this new technology, it’s my duty to my computer and wifi to do this thing.  So, now, Mama, it’s your duty as the mama to post a comment.  It’s kind of like when you would clap for me at soccer games – even though you’re embarrassed, you still have to cheer me on.  It’s the law.