“(All The Single Ladies) x (6) + put your hands up”

Now that song is in your head, can a Single Lady just get a half a loaf of bread??  For the love of everything that gets moldy and ruint, I just want a half a load of bread.¹  Eggs get special treatment, you just half those babies right on up and cut the carton in the middle (literally).  Come on, do it for the bread – don’t discriminate!  There’s just no way that Jennifer Hudson is gonna let me eat that much bread before it goes bad.

Also, can a Single Lady just get a couple of biscuits…maybe one cinnamon roll?  Because let’s be honest, if I pop open a tube of flaky style biscuits or orange cinnamon rolls, they ain’t goin’ bad like the loaf of bread….those babies get added to the collection of junk you will find in my trunk.²  Once upon a time, Pillsbury made some Perfect Portion biscuits.  Two per pack, in the refrigerated section.  Reduced fat, even.  Discontinued. Rude.

¹ I’m certainly not trying to exclude all the single men, I know guys feel the pain also.  Probably not in said loaf of bread, though…because those people can take down the entire loaf with a jar of peanut butter and a Sam’s size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos in one sitting and not gain an ounce.  And that’s just rude.

² You might also find remnants of Butterzinger ice cream, Cool Ranch Doritos, pizza and vanilla milkshakes.  You know, you can eat that stuff and have an empty bowl, plate or bag in front of you.  But, it is so not gone.  Just look in your trunk….you’ll see it.  And did you know that it takes a lot longer to rid your trunk of all that good stuff than it took to put it there?  Crazy, huh?  Who knew?!?  Probably Richard Simmons.

Weekend Observations

#1.  I miss the Hallmark Channel.  Today would have been the ultimate Hallmark Channel Movie marathon day….what with the Harry Potter gloom outside and all.  (Big sigh)….I made the switch from Comcast to AT&T last month.  My one and only negative thing to say about AT&T is that they don’t have the Hallmark Channel.  Other than that, it’s changed my life.  You know, because I have DVR now.  No more planning my week around a tv show (yes, yes I did do that with LOST).  No running for a potty break at commercial.  For that matter, no more commercials if I plan it that way.  It’s definitely changed my life.  And, while I realize Comcast has DVR, I was ready for a change.  It was the right thing to do.

#2.  There’s a possibility that I might be jealous of my dog.  We went for a walk across the Two Rivers Bridge yesterday and everyone we passed told Sophie what a sweet or pretty girl she was.  I mean, I guess it’d be weird for a stranger to tell me  I  was sweet or pretty…..now that I think about it.  I’m sure they were all thinking, “Look at those two.  Both sweet and pretty.”  They just couldn’t tell me that without looking like a stalker.  Yeah, that’s totally it.

#3.  I was driving behind a Soccer Mom with this license plate:  GR8WYF.  I can’t quit wondering if she bought that for herself or if her husband bought it for her.

#4.  I have some sort of complex about books.  I really wanted to buy the last Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book yesterday, but I have some  aesthetic issues with it.  First, I have the first two in paperback.  If I get this last one in hardback, they’re not going to match.  Point in case:  When the 4th Twilight book came out, I wouldn’t buy it until the paperback came out because I had the first three in paperback and wanted all the books to look the same…..on a shelf in a room where no one ever goes. Psycho.  Second, the pages don’t line up on the outside edge.  I can’t buy it.  Those pages have got to be smooth and line up on the outside or I’ll never get over it and enjoy the book.  In fact, I bought The Count of Monte Cristo a few years ago and didn’t realize it had jacked pages until I got home.  I want to read it so badly but I can’t.  Because I have some sort of book binding disorder.

Quantum Gibbs

Dr. Sam Beckett and Leroy Jethro Gibbs = Old.  Man.  Fine.  I realize it would appear that I have a thing for old dudes, but I don’t (I don’t think…).

You  might be asking yourself, “Self?  Why do I love Quantum Leap and NCIS so much?”  Well, today is your lucky day  because I have the answer to that.  So they were all created by the same man, Donald Bellisario!  Who knew?!  Well, obviously some people.  Anyway, I got sucked into a mini marathon of the Leap the other day and when they played the series finale, I cried like I cried during the last episode of The Wonder Years¹ (if you didn’t cry on that one – you have no soul).  Sad stuff.  Oh, PS  – I love time travel.

Just a couple of nuggets of information…the guy that plays McGee on NCIS is Bellisario’s stepson.  Bellisario was in the military with Lee Harvey Oswold.  Mark Harmon is married to Pam Dawber – who played Mindy from Mork and Mindy and the older sister in My Sister Sam.  And, now, the best nugget…..

Remember the band Nelson, you know – Matthew and Gunnar?  After the Rain? And their flowing hair?  Of course you do.  Well, Mark Harmon is their uncle.  He’s their mom’s brother.  Also, the lady who used to be the Tic Tac girl is his other sister.  So, Mark and Ricky Nelson used to be bros-in-law.  Speaking of Ricky Nelson, “Garden Party” has to be one of the best songs ever.  I’m feeling an in depth internet research project coming up about them.  They haven’t even shown up on a reality drug rehab or wife swap show yet!  Strange.

I really want Mark Harmon to be my parents’ friend.  I mean, clearly, he’s too old for me to be hanging out with.  But, if he’s a family friend, then it’s not weird.

¹  Remember when Ross Geller played Karen’s boyfriend-turned-husband Michael?

Dance Class (AKA Jazzercise)

I am in physical pain.  Here’s the deal.  I have been going to Jazzercise, which I insist on calling “Dance Class” because it sounds cooler, for about a year.¹  You’d think that I would be used to it.  I’m not.  Here’s what happened:

A girl I went to college with is one of the instructors, except she usually teaches the 4 PM class.  I take the 5 PM class.  Um, apparently they have done some switching around and now College Friend is teaching some of the 5 PM classes.  Well, obviously now I can’t take my little “breaks” for water or the bathroom or to retie my shoe, etc…when I’m tired.  Because College Friend has had two babies and doesn’t have to stop for fake shin splints or anything!  And yesterday, she kicked my boo-tay.  So, clearly, I’ve not been giving it my 100% best effort the past year – I mean, after yesterday, I’m thinking I’ve only been doing about 75%. Who knew!?!  College Friend is probably the best instructor there is.  But, I did find myself saying a thank you prayer whenever we would start doing something that made us all (including College Friend) face the wall.  I went ahead and took those opportunities to either not do the moves or half-ass them. I just had to.  I was scared we were going to have to call in an EMT if I didn’t.

I absolutely love having an accountability partner who doesn’t know she’s my accountability partner!  I kind of also love that she wore me out.  I took that opportunity to let myself have a little Nyquil cocktail in preparation of the pain I was sure would come.  Love a Nyquil sleep.  Would drink it every night if I could.  Tastes good, too.

And, I’m going back for more today.

**On a side note – high fives to my Northeast Arkansas friends who are doing the early morning boot camps!**

¹ Why don’t I look like I’ve lost any weight in the last year, you ask?  Because I haven’t.  I like wine and I like chips.  Although, now I’m on a mission.  Next time you see me, I WILL have lost some – I’m serious about this Weight Watchers thang.  Thanks to the Dance Class, I’m pretty healthy, I just need to dismiss a few extra Elbeez from this body.

Someone Like You?

Adele.  First of all, you are awesome.  There’s absolutely no denying this.  Second of all, Question.  Where on earth did you find this man, sister?  You want to find someone just like him???  JUST. LIKE. HIM??  Daaaaang, girl! You’re gonna need to start sending those hand me downs over here to the New World.  We want em’¹, mkay?    Because over here, for the most part, we don’t really like our exes² all that much.  Of course there’s the occasional couple who ends up on good terms and remains friends.  I’ve heard of it happening!  For real!!  Uhh ohhh-wait, or is it that I’ve seen it on tv……hmmm…  Anyway, I swear, you Brits get all the good stuff….awesome exes, cool accents, cute little taxis, Cadberry chocolate bar vending machines (yum), William and Kate, SIR SEAN CONNERY (yeah yeah, he’s a Scot.  Potato, Patato)…. to name a few.  We so got robbed.³

I mean, I’m not wishing bad upon old boyfriends, but I’m certainly not trying to hold my breath over the old Memphis bridge just to get a wish and then cash it in on them winning the lottery.  Because THAT would just be silly.

So, should I be wishing that my next boyfriend is good enough that I want to find another one just like him the next go round?  I’m soooo confused!!!!

Maybe Adele was just being facetious.

~~

¹ Except that one from “Rollin’ in the Deep” – you can keep that dude over there in the mother land.

² “ex” – For the purpose of this post, I am defining an ex to be limited to someone from a committed, serious relationship…as a grown up. High school exes just don’t count.  And college ones might not count either….use your own discretion if you would like to include them here.  Totally your call.  But hey, you know what, if you still want to punch a high school ex in the face, go ahead and count them.  If it’ll make you feel better.  However, I will draw the line at junior high.  Sorry, you just can’t count those.

³ I’m only kidding, people.  I’m just like Lee Greenwood, okay – Proud to be an American.  Besides, if I was going to really going to talk about people with a cool accent, it’d be those Irish.

The Generic Story

There are just some things that no one should ever buy generic, but there are some things that are actually better because they’re generic.  Let’s discuss.

No-Nos:
1.  Tampons.  I don’t think this needs any further discussion.
2.  Q-tips.  It has got to be Q-tip brand.  As you well know if you’ve tried generic, the middle stick part is flimsy.  The feeling that half a Q-tip might break off in your ear is a little unsettling.  With brand name on this one, you know you’re getting a sturdy stick with no worries.
3.  Bleach for your mustache.  Gotta be Sally Hanson.  Side note:  for prom one year, I wanted to bleach my upper lip.  So, I got some face bleach (not Sally H) and applied properly.  Didn’t wait the right amount of time, so I wasn’t satisfied with the result.  5 minutes later, I reapplied.  Still wasn’t happy.  Went to the store and got some wax strips.  Really wasn’t happy after that because I had given myself a damn chemical burn.  3 hours before prom.  I had so much concealer on that night that I couldn’t smile or my burnt up upper lip would crack.  So, listen to me, people….Sally is the way to go.  Unless you’re blessed with no stache hair….in which case, I hate you.

Better than the Real Deal:

1.  Kroger brand Honey Roasted Peanut Butter.  Better than Peter Pan and Jiff.  Trust the girl who can take down a jar of PB in two days (okay, whatever, one).  I know my buduh.
2.  Big K.  Mt. Dew ain’t got nothin’ on some Green Lightning!  I think they’ve changed the name to Citrus Drop, but to me, it’ll always be Green Lightning.  A little Big K Red Cream Soda?  Yes, please.  I think there’s at least one more cup of sugar per can in the Big K drinks.  And, I’m okay with that.
3.  Kroger brand Butterfinger ice cream.  Broke my heart when they changed the name from Butter Zinger to Butterfinger, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the recipe and deliciousness was the same.  So much better than name brand.¹

¹I think I must be hungry as I write this.  I see that every single one of my Better than the Real Deals is some sort of food item.  And, that I love a Kroger.  Unfortunately, my self proclaimed serving sizes of the PB and ice cream aren’t necessarily viewed as “healthy choices” by Weight Watchers, so I haven’t had them as of late.  And, by of late, I mean a week.  I’ve been on the WW since last Thursday and while it’s killing me, it seems to be working.  Talk about some will power – I have an unopened jar of said Kroger PB in my pantry.  UNOPENED, I say!  Man, I’m hungry….

Crocking some Pork

Before I share the best pork recipe ever, I have to give credit to my BFF, BW.  She texted me a screenshot of this recipe that she found on Pinterest.  That someone had pinned.  From the website www.sixsistersstuff.com.  Who adapted the recipe from www.everydaytastes.com.  Who found the recipe in an unnamed magazine.  Don’t ya just love the internets?  The whole WWW is like 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon!  I’m still not real sure if you’re supposed to give credit to your sources on blogs or if you just copy and paste as you wish.  But, I ain’t trying to get sued, so….the pictures and recipe below are not mine – I copied that part directly from SSS blog.

However, what’s a recipe without making it your own?  Okay, so I accidentally messed up some stuff.  But, it turned out deeeelish.  Here’s what I did differently:
1.  Got a tenderloin instead of a roast.  No roasts at the store.
2.  Got a one pound tenderloin instead of a two or three pounder.  Would probably explain why my gravy was really thick (although delicious).  Next time, I’ll get the 2 lb.
3.  Used twice as much garlic.  Because I love it and because I don’t have a boyfriend I’m trying to have minty fresh breath for all the time.

Slow Cooker Parmesan Honey Pork Roast Recipe

Ingredients:

1 (2-3 pound) boneless pork roast
2/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup honey
3 Tbsp soy sauce
2 Tbsp dried basil
2 Tbsp minced garlic
2 Tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp salt
2 Tbsp cornstarch
1/4 cup cold water

Spray slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray. Place roast in slow cooker. In a small bowl, combine the cheese, honey, soy sauce, basil, garlic, oil and salt; pour over pork. Cover and cook on low for 6-7 hours or until a meat thermometer reads 160°.
Remove meat to a serving platter; keep warm. Skim fat from cooking juices; transfer to a small saucepan. Bring liquid to a boil. Combine cornstarch and water until smooth. Gradually stir into pan. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Slice roast; serve with gravy (I also made mashed potatoes and the gravy was delicious on them!).

Recipe adapted from Everyday Tastes

Make this recipe.  It’ll change your life.

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