Dance Class (AKA Jazzercise)

I am in physical pain.  Here’s the deal.  I have been going to Jazzercise, which I insist on calling “Dance Class” because it sounds cooler, for about a year.¹  You’d think that I would be used to it.  I’m not.  Here’s what happened:

A girl I went to college with is one of the instructors, except she usually teaches the 4 PM class.  I take the 5 PM class.  Um, apparently they have done some switching around and now College Friend is teaching some of the 5 PM classes.  Well, obviously now I can’t take my little “breaks” for water or the bathroom or to retie my shoe, etc…when I’m tired.  Because College Friend has had two babies and doesn’t have to stop for fake shin splints or anything!  And yesterday, she kicked my boo-tay.  So, clearly, I’ve not been giving it my 100% best effort the past year – I mean, after yesterday, I’m thinking I’ve only been doing about 75%. Who knew!?!  College Friend is probably the best instructor there is.  But, I did find myself saying a thank you prayer whenever we would start doing something that made us all (including College Friend) face the wall.  I went ahead and took those opportunities to either not do the moves or half-ass them. I just had to.  I was scared we were going to have to call in an EMT if I didn’t.

I absolutely love having an accountability partner who doesn’t know she’s my accountability partner!  I kind of also love that she wore me out.  I took that opportunity to let myself have a little Nyquil cocktail in preparation of the pain I was sure would come.  Love a Nyquil sleep.  Would drink it every night if I could.  Tastes good, too.

And, I’m going back for more today.

**On a side note – high fives to my Northeast Arkansas friends who are doing the early morning boot camps!**

¹ Why don’t I look like I’ve lost any weight in the last year, you ask?  Because I haven’t.  I like wine and I like chips.  Although, now I’m on a mission.  Next time you see me, I WILL have lost some – I’m serious about this Weight Watchers thang.  Thanks to the Dance Class, I’m pretty healthy, I just need to dismiss a few extra Elbeez from this body.


Someone Like You?

Adele.  First of all, you are awesome.  There’s absolutely no denying this.  Second of all, Question.  Where on earth did you find this man, sister?  You want to find someone just like him???  JUST. LIKE. HIM??  Daaaaang, girl! You’re gonna need to start sending those hand me downs over here to the New World.  We want em’¹, mkay?    Because over here, for the most part, we don’t really like our exes² all that much.  Of course there’s the occasional couple who ends up on good terms and remains friends.  I’ve heard of it happening!  For real!!  Uhh ohhh-wait, or is it that I’ve seen it on tv……hmmm…  Anyway, I swear, you Brits get all the good stuff….awesome exes, cool accents, cute little taxis, Cadberry chocolate bar vending machines (yum), William and Kate, SIR SEAN CONNERY (yeah yeah, he’s a Scot.  Potato, Patato)…. to name a few.  We so got robbed.³

I mean, I’m not wishing bad upon old boyfriends, but I’m certainly not trying to hold my breath over the old Memphis bridge just to get a wish and then cash it in on them winning the lottery.  Because THAT would just be silly.

So, should I be wishing that my next boyfriend is good enough that I want to find another one just like him the next go round?  I’m soooo confused!!!!

Maybe Adele was just being facetious.


¹ Except that one from “Rollin’ in the Deep” – you can keep that dude over there in the mother land.

² “ex” – For the purpose of this post, I am defining an ex to be limited to someone from a committed, serious relationship…as a grown up. High school exes just don’t count.  And college ones might not count either….use your own discretion if you would like to include them here.  Totally your call.  But hey, you know what, if you still want to punch a high school ex in the face, go ahead and count them.  If it’ll make you feel better.  However, I will draw the line at junior high.  Sorry, you just can’t count those.

³ I’m only kidding, people.  I’m just like Lee Greenwood, okay – Proud to be an American.  Besides, if I was going to really going to talk about people with a cool accent, it’d be those Irish.

The Generic Story

There are just some things that no one should ever buy generic, but there are some things that are actually better because they’re generic.  Let’s discuss.

1.  Tampons.  I don’t think this needs any further discussion.
2.  Q-tips.  It has got to be Q-tip brand.  As you well know if you’ve tried generic, the middle stick part is flimsy.  The feeling that half a Q-tip might break off in your ear is a little unsettling.  With brand name on this one, you know you’re getting a sturdy stick with no worries.
3.  Bleach for your mustache.  Gotta be Sally Hanson.  Side note:  for prom one year, I wanted to bleach my upper lip.  So, I got some face bleach (not Sally H) and applied properly.  Didn’t wait the right amount of time, so I wasn’t satisfied with the result.  5 minutes later, I reapplied.  Still wasn’t happy.  Went to the store and got some wax strips.  Really wasn’t happy after that because I had given myself a damn chemical burn.  3 hours before prom.  I had so much concealer on that night that I couldn’t smile or my burnt up upper lip would crack.  So, listen to me, people….Sally is the way to go.  Unless you’re blessed with no stache hair….in which case, I hate you.

Better than the Real Deal:

1.  Kroger brand Honey Roasted Peanut Butter.  Better than Peter Pan and Jiff.  Trust the girl who can take down a jar of PB in two days (okay, whatever, one).  I know my buduh.
2.  Big K.  Mt. Dew ain’t got nothin’ on some Green Lightning!  I think they’ve changed the name to Citrus Drop, but to me, it’ll always be Green Lightning.  A little Big K Red Cream Soda?  Yes, please.  I think there’s at least one more cup of sugar per can in the Big K drinks.  And, I’m okay with that.
3.  Kroger brand Butterfinger ice cream.  Broke my heart when they changed the name from Butter Zinger to Butterfinger, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the recipe and deliciousness was the same.  So much better than name brand.¹

¹I think I must be hungry as I write this.  I see that every single one of my Better than the Real Deals is some sort of food item.  And, that I love a Kroger.  Unfortunately, my self proclaimed serving sizes of the PB and ice cream aren’t necessarily viewed as “healthy choices” by Weight Watchers, so I haven’t had them as of late.  And, by of late, I mean a week.  I’ve been on the WW since last Thursday and while it’s killing me, it seems to be working.  Talk about some will power – I have an unopened jar of said Kroger PB in my pantry.  UNOPENED, I say!  Man, I’m hungry….

Crocking some Pork

Before I share the best pork recipe ever, I have to give credit to my BFF, BW.  She texted me a screenshot of this recipe that she found on Pinterest.  That someone had pinned.  From the website  Who adapted the recipe from  Who found the recipe in an unnamed magazine.  Don’t ya just love the internets?  The whole WWW is like 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon!  I’m still not real sure if you’re supposed to give credit to your sources on blogs or if you just copy and paste as you wish.  But, I ain’t trying to get sued, so….the pictures and recipe below are not mine – I copied that part directly from SSS blog.

However, what’s a recipe without making it your own?  Okay, so I accidentally messed up some stuff.  But, it turned out deeeelish.  Here’s what I did differently:
1.  Got a tenderloin instead of a roast.  No roasts at the store.
2.  Got a one pound tenderloin instead of a two or three pounder.  Would probably explain why my gravy was really thick (although delicious).  Next time, I’ll get the 2 lb.
3.  Used twice as much garlic.  Because I love it and because I don’t have a boyfriend I’m trying to have minty fresh breath for all the time.

Slow Cooker Parmesan Honey Pork Roast Recipe


1 (2-3 pound) boneless pork roast
2/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup honey
3 Tbsp soy sauce
2 Tbsp dried basil
2 Tbsp minced garlic
2 Tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp salt
2 Tbsp cornstarch
1/4 cup cold water

Spray slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray. Place roast in slow cooker. In a small bowl, combine the cheese, honey, soy sauce, basil, garlic, oil and salt; pour over pork. Cover and cook on low for 6-7 hours or until a meat thermometer reads 160°.
Remove meat to a serving platter; keep warm. Skim fat from cooking juices; transfer to a small saucepan. Bring liquid to a boil. Combine cornstarch and water until smooth. Gradually stir into pan. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Slice roast; serve with gravy (I also made mashed potatoes and the gravy was delicious on them!).

Recipe adapted from Everyday Tastes

Make this recipe.  It’ll change your life.

I Love You, Mayhem

This guy.  Dean Winters.  Do I have a celebrity crush on him because he’s not mega-movie-star-famous-but-just-a-little-famous-so-he-COULD-be-desperate-enough-to-marry-but-a-commoner-such-as-moi?  Uhhhh, maybe.  It was hard for me to decide out which Allstate commercial to use on this post, but I think this one may be my fave.

He’s out of my age range (per imdb and wikipedia stalking) at 47, but I’d make an exception if he wanted to marry me.  Upon extensive research, I can now share with you the following information:

1.  He is fine as wine.

2.  There was this show in 2010 that I really got hooked on, “Happy Town.”¹ Tragically, it was canceled after a mere 8 episodes.  You know, I was faithful to that show every week and then it just up and left without any notice.  Rude.  Anyway, my boyfriend was in the original pilot, but got sick (see #3) and wasn’t able to play his part for the series when it got picked up.  Instead, Brian Hackett from Wings took over his character.  Sidebar – can we just all agree that Wings was easily one of the best 10 series ever?  Actually, that’s just not debatable.

3.  According to wikipedia (and, we all know everything on there is absolutely 100% true) and Page Six, he got sick from a bacteria infection and then later got the gangrene.  He had to get two toes and half a thumb amputated.  Yowza.  At least he didn’t lose the middle finger digit.

4.  You won’t find him on the Facebook to send him a friend request.  Oh sure, you can “Like” him, but let’s face it, if we’re getting married, he and I are going to have to be true FB friends.

¹ I do not pretend to be a good judge of what is good or bad tv or cinema.  Nobody ever even asks me anymore if I like a movie or a show because they know the answer.  I pretty much like everything.  I realize that obviously, I was only one of about 168 people who liked Happy Town.

Dance Story

I have daydreams about dancing.  Truth be told, I have daydreams about a lot of stuff, but when I’m in the car and have the radio on, chances are, I am daydreaming about dancing.  And, not just dancing, but being a really GOOD dancer.  Not a professional dancer (i.e ballerina, theatre, exotic…), but just one that doesn’t look like a drunk white girl with spasms and a painful look on her face.

In these daydreams, sometimes I picture myself being able to shake my money maker like famous people.  And, sometimes I just work out my own choreography.  Let me provide some examples:

1.  Katherine Heigl is at the bar on the night she gets all “Knocked Up” (ba-dum-cha….too easy, I know) and she and the baby daddy are dancing to Savage’s “Swing” – her moves are so subtle, yet they look fun and flirty.  Hell, if I had her body though, I bet my moves, horrid as they are on their own, would look like a million bucks.

2.  Beyonce.  This is so cliche, but give me a black leotard and a pair of black FMPs and puh-leeease let me be able to do the “All the Single Ladies” dance.  If Justin Timberlake can do it, there is no excuse for me.

3. Flo-Rida.  When Shawty gets low, low, low, low, low, low, low…..I wish I had some Apple Bottom Jeans (which would never work for me, because as I was told in 10th grade math class with the visual aid of an open math book, I have a flat bootay), maybe not boots with the fur (I am really hot natured) and have the whole club looking at me.  Looking at me because I had cleared the dance floor with my awesomeness, not because I was incorrectly doing the Roger Rabbit.  I chair dance a lot to that song when it comes on the radio (or, maybe I put it on repeat on my IPod).  Then, I realize I am making some distorted pout with my mouth and I try to bring it on back down to reality.

Daydream Emily is so freakin’ cool.  Real Ems can’t even get through jazzercise without nearly needing some oxygen.  Dare to dream, people, dare to dream.

The Basic Story

I think I’m so clever, doing a play on words with my name and this blog title.  Unfortunately, if a random ever reads this, they’re just going to think I caint spale fer nuthin.

I plan to use this blog for absolutely nothing important.  The deal is, sometimes I just have more to say than what will fit on my Facebook status. So, why not start a blog?  Even if no one reads the dang thing, at least I’ve said my piece and can sleep at night knowing I did my part to clog up the internets with one more blog.

About me and this blog:

I am a magnet for men of stellar quality – those that are honest, trustworthy, sweet, thoughtful and kind.  I also use sarcasm a lot.  (Note to self – create a sarcasm font).  I will be happy to share with you the dating stories that friends say can only happen to me.  But, if Mr. Right comes along, I probably won’t write about him.  Jinxing and whatnot, you understand.  Watch, my luck, I’ll be ready and excited to go on another horrible date just so I can post about it and the guy will turn out to actually be decent.  I suppose that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world….

I love movies and books.  I really love when movies are books first.  I might post about movies, and/or the actors in them.  I like when I’m watching an older movie or show and see the random extra who has become someone famous.  For instance, you know the girl at the grocery checkout in You’ve Got Mail that gets mad at Meg Ryan for having a credit card?  That’s totally Callie on Grey’s (not that I watch that show anymore).  Along the same lines, I like when I’m watching something current and see someone that used to be on some “quality” tv in the 80s.  For instance, you might remember that Fergie and AC Slater were on Disney Channel’s Kids Incorporated once upon a time and Ryan Reynolds was on a Nickelodeon soap opera named Fifteen.

Besides letting you in on the tragedies that some people would classify as dates and useless movie trivia, I also may post some videos I think are noteworthy.  For instance, I was just thinking about a Kentucky Headhunters music video in which a friend had a starring role as an extra.  If I can find that video, I’m totally posting it.  I have a feeling there’s some really good hair going on.

And, what’s a blog without recipes?  I’ve only got a handful of things I make well, but maybe I’ll get real savvy on this thing and post pictures along with the recipes.  Maybe.

I’ll try not to talk about my dog too much, because that would just be sad.  But, who am I kidding, I probably will.  I have GOT to get myself a baby….nobody thinks you’re crazy if you post about your kid, but if you post about your dogchild a lot, people start to wonder.

So, there you have it.  The first post.  And after rereading this, looks like I’ve got lots of ideas.  Any takers on betting how many posts I actually end up making??  And, let’s face it, this is probably one of the most boring blogs you’ve ever read.  But, I got a new computer for Christmas and for the first time ever, I have a laptop and wireless internet (I know, welcome to 2005).  I almost feel like with all this new technology, it’s my duty to my computer and wifi to do this thing.  So, now, Mama, it’s your duty as the mama to post a comment.  It’s kind of like when you would clap for me at soccer games – even though you’re embarrassed, you still have to cheer me on.  It’s the law.

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